TOO much.

i've always been told i'm "TOO MUCH" this and too much that. it never really got to me, until now.

i've always had someone tell me i'm too much of this, too much of that, i'm too loud, i'm too quiet. i'm too shy. i'm too outspoken. i'm too fat. i'm too tall. it never ends...i never believed it until i had heard it enough that i did start to believe that i wasn't enough. or that i was too much. i'm too much of a christian. i'm too much to handle. i'm too emotional. i'm not emotional enough. my laugh is too much. i'm too desperate. i'm not trying hard enough. i try to hard. when do you get at a point where you start believing the things that people tell you? where do you start defining yourself from the things that people say about you? after a while, you let words hurt you and get you down. 

words. they can either be uplifting, or they can tear you down. i don't really have any room to talk, about tearing people down with your words. because i wasn't the uplifting teenage girl that you think i was. i still struggle with my words today. i always happen to say something and not realize that i have put my foot in my mouth. it wasn't ever a good thing. i've lost a lot of friendships because of the hurtful things that i've said. i guess the point of this blog entry is to be an example you don't want to be. i want to give advice for whoever is listening. watch what you say. be careful about what you say to your family and friends when you're upset. always think before you speak. i know, roll your eyes all you want. but this is so true. there have been so many times that i didn't think before i posted something on facebook, i didn't think before i sent that text message, i didn't think before i said rash things to the people that loved me. 

i want to be an encouragement to you guys. it does get better. you learn, you grow, and hopefully, you do save some friendships. i still have a few friends that i know will be there until the end. granted, i always try and think before i speak now. so let this be an an encouragement or a lesson. let it be whatever you want it to be. you can always apologize, but you can never take those words back. you can the worst thing to ever say to a human being. those words are out there forever. you can apologize ten thousand times, but it doesn't take back the hurt of the recipient of those words. you can't take back the hurt that you did once the words are out there. this is a work in progress everyday for me. some days i fail, some days i don't. 

today was one of the days that i failed. i failed miserably. i sent a text that i shouldn't have sent. and now this person won't talk to me. figures. i mean, i deserve it. i said something that wasn't encouraging or uplifting. i have apologized numerous times. but it's not going to do me any good. this person isn't going to text me back. i wish that it wasn't true. and this person will one day forgive me. but it is very unlikely. so learn this, ALWAYS make sure what you are sending is encouraging and uplifting. because once you send it, there is no going back. you can apologize and apologize. but its not going to change how they feel about you now. 

maybe one day i'll write about forgiveness. but for now, that is all i have for you.

--the girl with the bird tattoo.

render me speechless...

"i have nothing left to live for anymore."

those were the words from the other line that left me speechless. i never thought that i would hear those words from someone else besides me. "i know exactly what you're going through" i wanted to say. but i kept my mouth shut. i had no idea what to say to this person. is this what my friends go through whenever i'm depressed and want my life to end? not knowing what to say to the other person. trying to talk them out of it, was not something i had ever done before. this is the real test, i said to myself. i've been there, when things get bad, you want your problems to disappear or you want to disappear. your problems will never disappear, but once you disappear, you can never reappear. yes, things might be bad right now. but they will not be bad forever. things will be difficult. things will get tough. 

but you HAVE TO KEEP TRUCKIN' ON. 

don't give up! you have SO much to live for! if you are sitting on your computer and you're reading this, saying "yeah, what do you know?" i don't know much, but i know this: there is so much more out there than being depressed all the time and wondering if you ended your life, things will be better. i know.because i once thought these thoughts. i once thought about ending my life. i once spent hours in my room crying because things were getting tough for me and i couldn't deal with it. but that was a good three, four, five, years ago, maybe more than that. i don't keep track. BUT I'M STILL HERE. obviously. it might be raining right now, but the rainbow comes pouring through when the storm is over. just think of the people in your life: girlfriend/boyfriend, friends, close friends, family members, friends who are like family to you. i know i can list at least ten people that i know would miss me if i was to leave earth a little earlier than planned. i want you to do the same.

if you can't think of them, you aren't trying hard enough. THINK, the neighbor who smiles at you every morning and waves as you leave for work. the lady at the coffee shop who asks how the family is every time you see here. the old lady at the grocery store who says "i havent seen you in forever! how are you??" and her face brightens up as you tell her about what is going in your life. if you stop and look around once in a while, you will see that people love you and adore you. i never like preaching, but there is one person who will love you no matter what. you know who i'm talking about too. you can fight it and say that he doesn't, but He does. very much. he created you. he LOVES you. he put you here for a reason. 

let me say it again, HE LOVES YOU. SO MUCH. he loves you so much that he sent his only son on the cross TO DIE FOR YOU. i can't express this enough. he loves you so much, that it has me in tears when you don't believe me. that someone like him, perfect, indescribable, sinless would die for you, someone who isn't perfect. and that's when i learned that's the reason why he loves us. because of who we are. if we to come to him like we are, dirty, sinful, selfish, cold-hearted, and yet he loves us anyway. 

i know, it seems ludacris, him loving us UNCONDITIONALLY. because he does. he loves all of us. every characteristic that isn't the best. i could go on and on about how we aren't good enough for God. because we aren't. thats why he sent Jesus to the cross. So that, we the broken, can spend eternity with God. Our sins are wiped CLEAN because of this selfless act. 

if ANYBODY ever has thoughts about ending their lives, immediately tell SOMEONE. there are suicide hotlines that are available 24/7. tell a family member, a close friend, a trusted adult, someone.

--the girl with the bird tattoo

1 (800) 273-8255

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Hours: 24 hours, 7 days a week

Languages: English, Spanish

Website: www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

making friends is hard..

I never thought that I would say this, but it is really hard making friends. In the work place, I mean. Yes, people are friendly, but they aren't like my friends outside of work. Everything is different. You can't say certain things and you have to be careful. Its like walking around eggshells because you don't know what they could find offensive.

For the past three weeks, I eat lunch by myself in the break room. Shocking, I don't sit with anyone for lunch and chat about life with someone else. But I have tried, and I felt more lonely when I was trying to be friendly with someone who just didn't want to include me in on the conversation. Yeah, sure, eating lunch by yourself is lonely and kinda depressing but sitting with a bunch of people who won't include you is much worse. I know this too well.

For some of you that know me, making friends was never a hard thing for me to do. Because, well, I made friends with pretty much anyone. So saying this today, and realizing how lonely I am at work, makes me think about how I made friends in the past.

I'm not saying that I hate my job, because I don't. I actually love my job. I like sitting at a desk for the most of the day. Not dealing with angry customers all day has been really nice. I don't work in retail anymore. And I have enjoyed every minute not spent at a cash register.

What I am saying is that I hate the fake conversations I have here at work. We don't ever leave the small talk circle. The how are you, good. You? Good. That's it. No real talk with anyone. And for some reason I thought that this would be different, but I was wrong. Again.

It bugs me how every one I talk to at the office doesn't really care about you. But I am new and maybe I should give them a chance.

I have always been really shy. I bet most of you are saying "Whatever!" But I really am. I make myself get out of my comfort zone and talk to people and make friends. Shocker, huh? Because of this, it is much worse in the office. I don't really talk about my personal life while at work, unless someone asks. Which hasn't ever happened. So I don't talk much.

Maybe someday the people I work with will eventually warm up to me and they will like me and we will have more than just small talk. But for now, its not. Its not warm and fuzzy at work. The lady at the front desk is the only person who welcomes me and talks to me and asks me how I am. I enjoy her company every morning for about five minutes and then I have to go about my day. But, I remembered her name and she remembered mine.

She may be my only friend in this building. I'm perfectly okay with that.

That is all for now.
--the girl with the bird tattoo.

don't be like me.

"would you recommend me being an art major?" 

is something that i have been asked so many times since graduating college. i don't know what is worse, having people think you are all of the sudden wise because you graduated college, or that i don't know how to answer the question.

because there are so many things that come to mind when someone says that they want to be an art major. first, what do you plan on doing with the art degree? if you're answer doesn't involve graphic design, you probably aren't going to like my answer. if you are like me, creative and artsy, then you will be stubborn when it comes time to listen to what people have to say. i thought that i had the world in my hands when i graduated. i thought to myself "i'll find a job in my field." yeah, no. that didn't happen. yes, i found a job, but its not in my field, or even close to what i was learning in school. i enjoy what i do, but it wasn't what i went to school for. 

so, here i am. eight months after graduating from college, and here is what i have to say: don't go to school to be an art major. why, ali? because, don't be like me. majority of the time i feel like i wasted my four years on a degree that i don't even use. no, i don't regret going to school and meeting some of my best friends that i will take with me everywhere i go. but i regret the decision i went with in my major. 

i'm not saying that you can't be an art major and do great things with it. i'm not saying that at all, but what i am saying is that add something to that art degree that will get you places. a business minor, or a business major with art as a minor. my theory is that you can be creative and artsy no matter where you go. but you hardly ever get paid for it. yeah, sure, every once in a while i get a few clients for my photography business but that's not what brings the bacon home at the end of the day. 

my job at the company where i work right now, it doesn't ask me what the value, shape, contrast, etc. is in the office that i'm working in. it asks me, have these papers been filed yet? if not, put them into the computer system. if  they have, they need to be filed. no one here is asking me about Egyptian art or about the history of the art. all the things i learned about in school, don't really matter right now. the pictures that i took mean nothing to my job. 

i'm not saying that i'm just going to give up on photography. i am just telling you the truth. it will be hard as an graduate, even harder if you're an art degree graduate. if you are in college, with time on your side, take my advice and don't declare art as your major. don't be like me. be smart. declare a major that will benefit you in the end and get you a good paying job that will bring home the bacon. i'm telling you this because i know better know and i hope you are better off in the long run. because no one is going to look back and say "so what did you like most about art history class?" your boss just wants the confidence that you can do your job and do it well.

For those of you that are art majors and you're mad at me, you know I'm right. Don't come crying to me when you can't find your dream job because no one in the art industry is hiring. Be smart, do your research, go back to school if you have too, just DONT. BE. LIKE. ME.

Network. Make friends with the company you're working for, do what it takes to get where you want to go. Work hard. Pay your bills.

I am in no way of being a genius on living the poster child of a graduate student. But I've been there, I know what you will be going through. The loan payments start coming and the panic and worry starts to sit in. Worrying about will only make it worse, trust me. Find a job, hell, two jobs if you're up for it. i'm no expert, but complaining about your situation isn't going to make it go away. i know  i complained about it in the past and i'll probably complain about it in the future. but for now:

now, go bring home the bacon.

--the girl with the bird tattoo.