Pressure.

when life gets weary and hard, i always want to give up. sometimes, i feel like there is no one i can turn too. i feel like i'm in a moisture free room and the walls are closing in on me. the more i try to fight the walls come crashing in, the faster the walls fall. i feel like like i can't breathe and the water level rises more and more by the minute. and then all of the sudden, it's gone. the walls, the water, the pressure, everything. i no longer feel scared and alone. i can finally breathe normally. i can finally sleep peacefully. the nightmares are gone.

i go through this process everyday. this is the real me, and if you have a problem with who i really am, i don't really care if you delete me on Facebook or unfollow me on Twitter or disown me from the family. this is me, dealing with depression. the filter, where i only talk about the good things and i build a barrier about how "everything is fine", well that is gone now. i am not fine. everyday is a battle. and when people tell me "i have a bad attitude about everything", they don't even realize what is going on inside me, but yet they keep telling me to "cheer up". like a flip of a switch, the miracle. to fix me. i don't need fixed. i'm not broken. so if you don't want to hear about all the crap about dealing with depression, leave. don't leave comments, just leave without notice. without the filter there, to protect me. from being visible with all my problems. its scary to think, that people will know the truth. but i live for the truth. and i have been lying to all of you. that i'm fine, and that i'm good. when things are not fine or good. i'm no longer sugar coating things. everything is not fine.

if it wasn't for the relationship i have with Christ, i would be dead. i've thought about ending it all, but God tells me that ending a temporary problem with a permanent solution isn't the right way to go about doing things. so i keep on. with the struggle. listening to my family criticize me. but i have jesus, and that will bring me out of the water, allowing me to breathe again. him dying on the cross for me.

tell i'm fat (you know who you are). you said that it was in love. but we both know that is complete load of crap. because you just don't randomly tell someone that they have gained weight. i haven't pointed out your faults and troubles, when i could have. but i didn't. feeling left out at family outings because no one talks to me, except for the animals that show me occasional attention. if you are a family member and you're reading this and you're mad at me, because now i'm finally saying something about it. go tell someone who cares, because obviously you didn't. when i never said anything at any family outing. or kept quiet. when you know that i'm the farthest thing from being quiet. you just ignored me. or when i told you "love you!" you make a face of disgust, like you don't love me in return.

but i still love with question. i still love them all. but i always question whether or not they love me back. a person shouldn't feel this way. alone. miserable. this is the real me. smiling through the pain. faking my happiness so others wont feel bad for me. but i have jesus, and that will bring me out of the water, allowing me to breathe again. him dying on the cross for me.

my name is alanna, and i am battling with depression. i know i'm not perfect, so don't expect me to be either. i am not alone. i have my mom and dad. i have my best friends, Brittany C, Brittany B, Hayley, and Anna. that's all i really need. oh, and you can't forget, the best friend i ever have as a brother, Trey.

i have no idea what my future holds, but i know that it's not even close to ending (lord willing). and im okay with that for now. don't tell me any different.

don't judge my friends and try to play it off. i don't judge you or your friends.

i wont apologize for what i have shared.

but i have jesus, and that will bring me out of the water, allowing me to breathe again. him dying on the cross, is enough for me. i am enough. i will be okay, one day.

--the girl with the bird tattoo.