Dear Diary.

where do i even begin? i'm confused, scared, and i feel like i have no one i can go to for help. i have to make some pretty big decisions soon and i am still on the fence about some things. i tried talking to some of my best friends and my heart is still racing. my family is pushing me in one direction. i'm stressed out, with two part time jobs with an unpaid internship. hopefully, my internship ends soon. it is not how i thought it would be. i guess you could say that i had high expectations for the lady that I was going to work with. She ended up being nothing like I thought she was. I'm running out of patience with myself. I'm at my breaking point. I'm extremely low on funds. I thought sense I started working a second job, I would be earning more and I haven't really noticed a change. My boss (which is my dad) at work has started telling me that my job is going to end soon. i couldn't afford to live on a nine hours a week at ten dollars an hour kind of job. i am barely hanging on now. the pressure is getting worse and its starting to effect everything else in my life. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like going to school for four years was a big mistake. Because in Jan, the payments start coming and I don't think I'm going to be able to keep up with that and my other bills as well. i still question God the purpose of my car wreck and why it happened. i don't know what God wants, and I feel like every time I think I have it figured out, someone has to come and tell me otherwise and i'm back at square one. maybe i'm just weird and i'm alone in this. i recently had thoughts about going to school for English and my mom discouraged me and said that wouldn't be worth it. i enjoy writing, reading, and learning new things. so why not go to school for something you enjoy doing? yeah, i enjoy doing photography and taking pictures of people, but i feel like it is going nowhere. am i crazy? i just want to stop feeling like the world is crashing around me. i have tried being patient and waiting to hear God, but I feel like he just got tired of me failing at life and decided that i'm going to screw it up no matter what i do. there are times when i think i need to move to Chicago, but then I decide against it. I don't know what God wants or what I want. I can't afford to move, or stay home for that matter either. so i guess you could be praying for me. i guess that's all you can do right now. i hope i can raise enough money before i september. i know that God provides in amazing and i guess i just need to have faith that he can and will provide for me. pray that i be bold and not be afraid to chase my dreams. and for now, good night.
--the girl with the bird tattoo.