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| just one of the few photos i have for sale :) |
***below is a short story that is loosely based off of my life***
"I DESERVE BETTER!!" I screamed to nothing and everything at the same time. And suddenly, everything was silent. It seemed like time had stopped. Breathing stopped. It was like the wind suddenly dropped to a mild breeze. my heart exploding in my chest was the only thing i could hear. tears rolling down my cheeks, i couldn't stop the tears from coming down.
in the past two months, it seems like things have hit rock bottom. let me fill you in: since i graduated from school, i have totaled my car, and no, i didn't get a replacement. i got kicked out of my apartment and moved back in with my parents. i got fired from my job, so now i'm cleaning toilets at minimum wage. could i say that things couldn't get worse? well apparently i spoke too soon. because the last straw had been drawn. it was a phone call that i never thought i would get.
"hey, baby." Zeke. at least he was still around.
"hey. how are you?"
"good. we need to talk."
my heart stopped. did i just hear what i thought he said?
"what?"
"can we meet up soon?"
"uh, yeah. sure."
"okay, meet you in a few."
okay, those four words are never a good thing, right? every romantic movie i have seen with the line "we need to talk" it always meant that they were breaking up. i thought things were good between us. or so i thought.
as i sit here staring at my coffee, maybe if i can stare harder, all my problems will seize. ha, right.
he can't be breaking up with me, right? i mean, we were so good together. we were like a puzzle piece and we fit perfectly together.
"earth to Lily!!" i snapped back to reality to someone waving their hands in my face.
"huh?" i shook my head trying to come back to reality. Zeke was standing before me. He said that we needed to talk. Yikes. Now I remember.
"Sorry, was thinking. Hey." we put each others arms around each other but it wasn't a real hug. a hug you give a very distant relative. and then a brief second later, we broke apart and stood there in the coffee shop in silence. if things weren't awkward already, they were now.
"we should sit down." i said.
"oh, yeah." i guess so much time had passed that i forgot that he came here to break my heart. let's see how awful this goes.
"you said that we needed to talk on the phone. is something wrong?" i asked looking straight into his soul. even though his lips were moving, i didn't really hear anything come out. maybe i was hallucinating. maybe this wasn't real.
"i'm sorry, what did you say?"
"i said i want to take a break."
"take a break from what?" i knew what was coming, but was stupid enough to ask the question.
"from us, i think we have been spending too much time together."
"oh." that was a lie. we never spend any time together, he is always claiming that he has to work late.
"okay." i said but i was unsure of how i felt about it all.
i swear we just sat in silence for ten million years until someone said "well, i guess I better be going." "yeah, me too." i don't remember who said what but it was definitely the most awkward encounter i've had in my life.
**the next day**
*beep beep beep beep*
i slam my alarm clock and toss myself out of bed. if i don't get out of bed now i'll never leave it. i throw on my running shoes and head out the front door. i plug in my ear phones so i can focus on my plan, i'm going to run three miles this morning. i can do this. i can do this.
i'm half a mile in and what i see stops me dead in my tracks. in about 100 feet i see a familiar boy in the distance with another person. NO. it can't be. oh but it was. he is the only boy i know with a tribal sleeve tattoo on his right arm. i suddenly am freaking out. i hide behind a bush. huh, just like in the movies. i thought. i feel wrong spying on him but he's on my running route. which he knows i take every morning. well he should anyway. who in the hell is he with? Oh. My. God. He's totally with another girl. Maybe their just friends. My eyes widen. Friends don't kiss each other. Well, maybe in Italy or something, but not here. Don't cry don't cry don't cry. Get out of the damn bush, self. I think to myself. I brush off the leaves off my running shorts.
i continue the rest of my run trying not to think of what i just witnessed. but i couldn't. "i need space" i remember him saying to me, doesn't seem like you need some space from her. Whoever she was. I feel like I was lied too. how long has he been seeing this girl? why didn't he just break up with me instead of cheating on me. how low, jerk.
i find myself sitting at the beach, crying my eyes out to God. Where are you? Where were you when I got fired from my job? Where were you when my boyfriend cheated on me? It seems like all you care about these days is everybody else. Why do I feel so alone? I sob some more into my shirt, wondering where my life has gone.
I looked out to the beautiful scenery, the waves crashing. But yet, they were so calm at the same time. It was so beautiful. God took time to create that. So why did he take the time to create me? Because my life has turned into such a sob story. My boyfriend is cheating on me, I have the worst job scrubbing toilets at $6 an hour, my parents tell me everyday how much they are disappointed in me. I had a nice job with a law firm, designing all of their logos, handling their facebook pages and other social media stuff and within a couple months, I was fired. I don't even remember why. But it doesn't really matter, does it?
and suddenly, i find myself screaming at the same beach that i found beautiful a couple moments ago.
"Why does everything in my life fall apart? I failed my parents as a child, I can't keep my boyfriend no matter what I give him. You provided me with a nice job and then took it away from me! I don't understand God! Why can't my life be a little easier? Why does my life look like a big fat mess? Because it is a mess! I deserve better!!"
It suddenly got really quiet, a few tears rolled down my cheeks. I fell to my knees crying out to God. I don't deserve what I have now. I'm so ungrateful for what I've been given. I close my eyes and just listen to the waves come crashing in and slowly going back into sea. I let the tears roll down my face. For the first time in my life, my mind has stopped running with a million questions.
***TO BE CONTINUED***